managing our emotions. - Mihran Kalaydjian's Official Blog

How to Start a New Life Without Sacrificing Everything You Have

January 2, 2021

Do you ever wish that you could just hit the pause button on life and move on to a new chapter without any negative repercussions?

Unfortunately, time is linear. On the other hand, time is a social construct. In other words, your life’s timeline is yours to manage, and you shouldn’t compare your goals and achievements to those of others.

Taking a long, hard look at your life to get to the root of the change you would like to see will benefit you. Focusing on what you would change in your life might help you answer what you should pursue in the near future.

So, how to start a new life?

The great news is that you don’t have to pull a Madonna and completely reinvent yourself every time you are ready for a change.

By implementing these 12 small yet impactful changes outlined below, you can start a new life without being extra about it.

1. Always Learn Something New

Perhaps you have achieved success in your career — only to find you want more.

If you feel stagnant in what you are doing for work or are bored with your day-to-day, expand your options.

One way to make yourself more competitive in various career fields is pursuing further education. Most of us don’t have the bandwidth to invest in attending classes on a college campus.

Luckily, online universities are nationally recognized and more affordable than traditional in-classroom schooling. Consider signing up for some asynchronous online classes that fit your work schedule so you don’t have to interrupt your life to get ahead.^[1]

2. Take Steps to Face Your Fears

It is amazing how many of our decisions are based on fear. We fail to take risks, avoid conversations, and miss opportunities because we are afraid of the outcomes.

Here’s the deal:

Taking risks, within reason, can change your life overnight. If you have had your eye on the cutie at your local coffee shop, take a shot and ask them out for a drink. The worst that can happen to you is a slightly bruised ego. Even if they are already in a relationship or simply uninterested, your flattery may have made their day.

Don’t go through life with too many regrets. Going back to that coffee shop after being turned down is just another opportunity to face your fears.

3. Maintain a Meaningful Social Circle

Most of us have heard the timeless adage “you are as good as the company you keep.” Expanding your horizons to include new and interesting people might be the spice in life you were looking for.

Take a holistic view of your friends, family and professional relationships. Make a mental checklist of the relationships that most positively affect you and why. Take that checklist with you the next time to go to a social event. Try to strike up a conversation with new and interesting people that check those boxes.

While you’re out being a social butterfly, don’t forget where this exercise started. Be sure to not leave your old, longtime friends in the dust while fostering new friendships and relationships. You don’t want to be “that guy” in your friend circle.

4. Find Healthy Ways to Cope With Anxiety

If you experience excessive anxiety in your daily life, you are not alone. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States. They affect 40 million people over the age of 18 every year, which represents 18.1 percent of the U.S. population. ^[2]

Finding healthy ways to cope with anxiety has the ability to turn your world upside down. Many people have looked toward CBD to help ease and manage anxiety. It can be used to target anxiety as it arises without the need to take daily medication.^[3]

CBD is not commonly prescribed by mental health professionals — at least not yet anyway. Some have compared it to having a glass of red wine after a long day. However, it is important to practice a sense of heightened self-awareness and recognize if you are negatively self-medicating with overconsumption.

Here’s the kicker:

Anything you do to relax can be done in excess: exercise, watching Netflix, drinking, or shopping. Be sure to choose an activity that works to relieve your anxiety in a manner that is healthy and can done in moderation.

5. Become Part of a Movement

You know all the hours you spend scrolling through social media idolizing other people’s lives? Well, they could be better spent.

As humans, we naturally seek out a connection with others and desire to feel as if we are needed. Finding a cause to get behind can help you to feel as if you are contributing to the common good. Whether it is a social justice issue or an environmental movement, there are many different opportunities to focus your time and energy to help you feel needed.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be protesting every weekend to feel as if you are creating change. Making small changes in your life can make a big impact.

Using your consumer power to only support businesses who have sustainability at the forefront of their business practices is a powerful choice. It is small actions like this that have caused big businesses to reevaluate how they conduct business. Feel empowered by spending your dollars wisely.^[4]

6. Take Ownership

It is all too easy to move through life as a passive passenger. The good news is that you don’t have to give up anything in your life to regain control over it.

Take ownership over your life by taking control of a particular aspect of your life. It could be as simple as no longer being a public transport passenger and instead, using your own body’s physical power to get you to your destination.

Knowing that you can depend on yourself to make your morning commute is incredibly empowering. Free yourself of passivity and become the captain of your own ship.

7. Pay Attention to Your Dreams

If you feel unfulfilled in your life but aren’t sure why, try tapping into the esoteric side of life. Diving into your subconscious can be liberating and freeing if you allow yourself the mental space to do it.

Not everyone remembers their dreams, but you can train your brain by keeping a dream journal next to your bed. Dreams can reveal unconscious hopes and fears that we either ignore or prefer to be unburdened with during our waking lives.

Understanding what your dreams mean is like learning a new language — requiring you to pay attention to clues, signs, and symbols. ^[5]

If you are the type of person to remember having recurring dreams, pay attention! Your subconscious is sending you a message. However, here’s the catch:

Dreams are irrational and a product of our psyche we can never truly comprehend. Don’t make any rash life decisions because a little blue man in your dream told you so.

8. Unplug to Tap Into Creativity

What are you reading this on right now? Are you on your phone or your laptop? Well, after you’ve finished reading through how to start your new life, unplug it.

Being tuned into technology all the time creates mental fatigue — leaving little energy for creative processes. By spending time in nature the prefrontal cortex of the brain is able to rest.

Find out what inspires you in life and use it to take the new life that you are seeking into new dimensions. Your muse may be found in unlikely places. Be open to saying “yes” more often to allow inspiration into your life.

9. Challenge Comfort Zones

If you are attempting to step away from a life of stagnation, you have to step out of your comfort zone. But don’t strap into that bungee cord harness quite yet. You don’t need to unreasonably take elevated risks that put certain aspects of your life at stake.

Challenging your comfort zones are meant to empower you to see what you are capable of achieving when put to the test. It is understandable to want to relax in the comfort zone after working so hard to get there, but there comes a time when you have to level up.

Set your sights on the next attainable dream and go for it. If you’ve always wanted to run a marathon, set up a strenuous training schedule to get you there. Learn how to push through the pain and the mental blocks that have kept you from being your own champion.

Dig within yourself, figure out where to set your hard ceiling, and push towards reaching your goals to live your best life — you deserve it.

10. Practice Daily Mindfulness

If you want to turn your whole world upside down, integrate a mindfulness practice into your daily routine. Meditation, yoga, journaling, or breath work do not require anything from you besides a commitment to being in the present moment.

How to build more meaningful and engaging relationships

November 23, 2020

Recently, I participated in a master class on managing our emotions. Ultimately, what it became was a class on building healthy habits.

Each of us went through the process of identifying our goals for healthy habits as it came to our emotions. We imagined a version of ourselves that we aspired to. In my case, I imagined being a more curious coach as self, parent, and leader. To have deeper and more meaningful relationships, inside and out.

As part of the course, I spent a lot of time thinking about what stood between where I am and the version of me that I aspired to. Ultimately, it came down to the default patterns. Reactive conditioning, instead of purposeful intention.

To move towards purposeful intention, we must interrupt our autopilot. Each of us may respond to different techniques for helping us build new habits. One that was suggested was a mnemonic or acronym to outline steps we can remember.

Purposeful engagement

I am a huge fan of acronyms. Done right, they can be easy to remember.

In this case, I wanted to identify steps that would allow me to better engage with myself and others. As someone who wants to help, and am often approached when help is needed, I tend to go into problem solving mode very quickly.

Recently, I’ve realized that love was often modeled in my home via “acts of service.” Frequently, those acts were teachable moments. It was seen as loving to help someone – even if they didn’t ask for it.

The reality is that most people don’t really need us to solve for them, or turn everything into a teachable moment. They may need us to listen to an idea they already have. They may want some additional context to make their own decisions. There is rarely a single response to the multitude of needs a given person or team may have.

What steps would help interrupt the problem solving auto response, and provide an opportunity to better understand how someone needs us to engaged?

Be a BuILDeR of relationships

There are five steps to interrupting our automatic response and choosing from the myriad of possible engagement options.

B – Breathe

When attempting to interrupt an automatic response, taking a deep breath can be a great first step. If we are tempted to jump right in, just pause and breathe. It gives a moment to hesitate and engage the pre-frontal cortex. We are then more likely to remember and follow the remaining steps.

I – Inquire with curiosity

Have you ever started problem solving with someone or telling them something you thought was relevant, only to hear “I know.” We may assume we know why someone is engaging us, but we won’t know for sure unless we ask. Ask questions with a sense of curiosity and really wanting to understand their situation and need.

L – Listen to understand

Our brains are fascinating, but can sometimes be frustrating. We are constantly filling in gaps, creating meaning, and seeing patterns. While this can be helpful, it means we may start solving and preparing to answer while someone else is talking. We listen to respond, rather than to understand another’s perspective. Instead of replying, maybe go back to inquire to ask a follow-up question to gain a better understanding.

D – Discern my role

In every conversation, we likely have thoughts and ideas regarding what’s being discussed. Suggestions or relevant anecdotes we think could help. One, some or NONE of them may be relevant, depending on our role. Going back to the inquiry, why is this person here and engaging with us? If we aren’t sure, we can always ask what role they’d like us to play. Ultimately, if we want to improve engagement, we should remember to stay in our lane.

R – Reply or write

But but but! What about those stories? What about the great advice we had queued up?

Just because we have thoughts and ideas does not mean we have to express them. We can consciously and deliberately choose our response, including no response. In my case, I might have an idea with a lot of energy behind it that feels like it needs to get out. So I write.

I take notes during conversations, which helps slow down my thinking, allows me to get thoughts out of my head (instead of my mouth), and selectively choose what – if anything – I share in a reply. In some cases, I will have loads of notes. If this person is not yet ready to solve, I have them for a potential follow up conversation when they are.

From habit to practice

With deliberate steps and a handy acronym to remember, it’s time to practice. New habits take repetition and intention, and rarely come easy. If they were easy, we would have done them already.

To help facilitate a change, it may be worth sharing our intentions with those around us. In my case, I tend to let my direct reports know when I’m trying something new in our interactions. I’ll share the insight I’ve gained and what I will be attempting in my new habit.

The reason for this is two-fold. The first is for support, accountability, and feedback during habit-building. If a few people know about a new habit, it helps maintain commitment to change. Later, they can be approached to see how it’s been going. In some cases, they may be enlisted to help identify triggers or signal when they see a behavior.

The other reason is we can create confusion when we change habits. If our habits include engagement with others, changes may generate upset or frustration. Given the move to remote work and social distancing, suddenly engaging differently may result in assumptions that something is wrong with us or the relationship.

With support and feedback methods in place, we can go into our first interaction, committed to being a BuILDeR of relationships.

* * *

Breathe, Inquire, Listen, Discern, and Reply/Write can certainly help create more engagement and deeper relationships with others. However, each of us have our own struggles and best methods to interrupt our automatic response to change behaviors.

Mihran Kalaydjian's Official Blog

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

Tag: managing our emotions.