Month: January 2014

What is unconditional love?

January 20, 2014

Has unconditional love eluded you? Here’s what you need to know about how to get it.

By Mihran Kalaydjian, CHA
 
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Unconditional love means no-strings-attached to the love you give. You may or may not receive love back because that’s not part of the deal. If you had to receive it back, that would be a condition. You love them without expecting anything at all in return.
 

How do you get unconditional love? In order to get it you must be willing and able to give it as well. It’s a two-way street. The two-way street is not a condition, it is based more on personal growth and attraction. Most people want unconditional love so they have certainty that the person they are with won’t leave them because of things they do or say but are rarely willing to give the same in return. If this is you, your need for unconditional love already has conditions.

Most people don’t realize they have to work for it, they just want to receive it.

The reason you have to be willing and able to give it is because then you will attract other people to you who are able to do the same. The confidence you develop when you recognize you are a whole and complete human being (all by yourself) is the same confidence that is so attractive to other people with confidence—the only other ones who will be able to provide you with no-strings-attached love.

When you have this confidence, you will be able to give love without expecting anything in return. You won’t get your feelings hurt if your guy doesn’t do what you think he should do or say what you think he should say. You won’t need his approval or acceptance of you so that you feel validated as a worthy human being because you already do. You will feel connected to him even if he doesn’t call on time, doesn’t invite you out on the weekend or forgets your birthday. You may be upset but your love for him won’t change because of it.

You may be wondering: “Then what would I need him for?” That’s just it. You won’t need him. You will want him and to be in a relationship with him out of desire. Needing a relationship and wanting a relationship are two completely different things. Most people feel they should be in a relationship to be whole or because society is rough on singles many times and alienates them or they feel uncomfortable and alienate themselves.

Some people pride themselves on giving unconditional love and tell people about it. I’d venture a guess that them telling people about it is to gain acceptance and approval in which case the love they say they are giving is filling a need they have therefore is not unconditional. Would these same people love the same way if they couldn’t tell anyone about it?

So, let’s see if you’re ready to give love unconditionally yet. There is no right or wrong answer; just an authentic awareness of where you stand that may take some pressure off of a need to find this elusive emotion or the key to how you can get it. Let’s say you love someone because they have certain qualities you like or status or treat you in a certain way. Ask yourself if you would feel the same way about them if they didn’t have or do those things you like so much; the things that attracted you to them. Most people who are being honest with themselves will say, “No.”

If you said, “Yes,” congratulations. You are much closer to getting unconditional love from someone else than most people are. If you said, “No,” you’re in good company. When we decide what we want in our lives and go after it, we have standards and hopefully establish and enforce healthy personal boundaries around those standards. This way, we don’t hook up with someone who turns out to drag us down and wreck the plan we had for our lives? Can our standards and plan change? Absolutely.

However, many people do fall into the trap of getting together with someone who lets their health go downhill or stops taking care of themselves within a few months. This is common when someone who wants a relationship gets in shape simply to catch a mate and afterward, no longer feels the need to be diligent about staying healthy. This, is self-centered and deceitful yet many people do it. It’s a good example of someone falling for someone who isn’t who they portrayed themselves to be. I’m sure you’ve either been in that situation or know someone who has, right?

Example of unconditional love: One of your core values is honoring your body and keeping in shape. You are in a relationship with someone who becomes very overweight, smokes cigarettes and has no intention of changing their habits. Physical health just isn’t one of their priorities like it is yours. You love them just the way they are—physically healthy or not. Can you hope they see the light and want to get healthy at some point? Sure, but your love isn’t dependent upon if they do or not.

Now that you know what getting unconditional love entails on your part, do you still want it? If so, you are going to be so excited with the confidence you’ll develop in setting yourself up for this kind of love that most people will never experience.

 

 

12 Things You Should Never Lie About

January 20, 2014

12 Things You Should Never Lie About

By – Mihran Kalaydjian, CHA

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From thanking your grandmother profusely for an awkward gift to telling a work friend that her less-than-sparkling presentation was fantastic, most of us fib, stretch the truth, tell white lies and omit facts from time to time. In fact, studies published over the past five years have shown that the average person lies one to three times a day.

In many cases, these untruths are harmless. But what about those things you should always tell the truth about, lest you hurt both yourself and the person you’re deceiving?

Here are 12 topics we think fall under the heading “never lie about this.” Next time you’re tempted to twist the truth about any of the following, tune into your conscience, or at least your self interest, and tell the truth instead. You’ll thank yourself later.

1. Having an orgasm. It’s tempting to fake it, and not terribly difficult, as Meg Ryan demonstrated so well in “When Harry Met Sally.” But if you don’t admit when what your partner is doing isn’t working, how will he or she ever figure out what does?

2. Feeling sick at work. Just go home and get the rest you need so that you can heal properly and be productive again sooner. Plus, no one likes the co-worker who starts an epidemic.

3. Your physical appearance … when you’re dating online. People presumably fib about their height and weight all the time, and honestly, who cares? When it comes to creating an online dating profile, however, you really should leave the embellishments out. If someone is going to reject you based on a superficial characteristic, better they do it anonymously than in person. Someone who meets you and discovers you’ve lied about your looks may, understandably, wonder what else you would lie about. Also, don’t you want to find someone who is attracted to you just the way you are?

4. Whether you think a relationship has a future. Don’t lead someone else (or yourself) on. When something isn’t working you probably know it. Admit it and move on for both parties’ sakes.

5. Your mental health. Your anxiety or depression or OCD tendencies aren’t going to fix themselves, especially if you can’t even admit to yourself that they exist. Everyone has their sh*t — acknowledge and deal with yours now.

6. What you need from another person. Whether it be a romantic relationship or a platonic one, don’t lie to yourself or to someone else about your needs. If you need someone to prioritize you more or call you less, just say it out loud. Settling for what you don’t want doesn’t do anyone any favors.

7. Your credentials. Learn how to sell yourself properly when you’re applying to jobs or discussing your work experience, but don’t make up skills you don’t have. Your experience, personality and drive will speak for themselves.

8. A mistake you made at work. Own up, own up, own up. If you claim that it didn’t happen or, worse, blame it on someone else, it will come back to bite you. When it does, you’ll look 10 times worse than if you had just taken responsibility, done what you could to fix it and learned from it.

9. Anything you tell your doctor (especially your OB-GYN). Your gynecologist isn’t going to judge your sexual predilections or the time (or two) you forgot to use protection. Medical professionals need accurate, comprehensive information about the state of your health in order to accurately diagnose and treat you.

10. Any information the government requests. This one should be obvious, but we’ll say it anyway. The people who receive and process your documents probably won’t judge you for your weight or tax write-offs or the time you got arrested when you were 20. Even if they will, you MUST tell the truth. If you get caught lying to the government, there could be some pretty major consequences. Not worth it. 

11. Anything you say to your lawyer. Be upfront with your attorney the way you should be with your doctor. Any lawyer you hire is working to protect your financial interests and/or keep you out of legal hot water. He or she can’t do that if you haven’t disclosed all relevant information.

12. Not loving someone. Don’t say you’re in love with another person when you don’t mean it. It’s cowardly and cruel. Just don’t do it.

 

7 reasons you should date a divorced guy

January 20, 2014

Here’s why you shouldn’t throw in the towel on a guy just because his past involves a divorce.

By Mihran Kalaydjian, CHA

With the divorce rate hanging around the 50 percent mark, there’s a decent chance that at some point in your life you’ll find yourself smitten with a divorced guy and you’ll be faced with the decision of whether or not dating him is a good idea. While it may seem a little shady at first— especially if he has extra baggage like kiddos — divorced men sometimes have more to offer than guys who have never taken the plunge.

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Well, we’re letting the secret out now. Here’s why.

1. He believes in serious, longterm commitment. Although it may have not worked the first time around, the fact that he did get married shows that he believes in commitment. That’s a big deal in a society that’s becoming more and more disillusioned with marriage.

2. The sex is awesome. Statistically, married couples have sex less than those who aren’t hitched. According to the book “The Social Organization of Sexuality” (find it on Bing), 80 percent of married couples only have sex a few times a month. If that was the case in his past relationship, just think about how buck wild he’ll be in the sack now that he’s with someone who wants to do it all the time, or at least more than his ex-wife.

3. He “gets” it. He’s been there and done that. He understands about ups and downs, petty arguments, and the struggles that come with a serious relationship. It’s not easy to keep things smooth sailing at all times, and just because his marriage didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean he’s not up to the challenge to do it again.

4. Insta-family. If you’re cuckoo for babies, but aren’t ready to have a few of your own, then a divorced guy who has a kid or two will give you the baby-fix you’re looking for without overwhelming you and crowding your style.

5. He’s housebroken. I’m definitely not one to equate men with dogs, even when they’re being the absolute worst, but Stanger says, “Divorced men come already housebroken. Another woman has done the hard work of teaching him to put the seat down, call when he’s late, and tread lightly during a bad week.” Good point, and definitely a plus.

6. He has his ducks in a row. Having been married and then divorced, he’s not only had his fair share of drama, both good and bad, but he’s probably had ample opportunity to do some soul-searching. A man, who knows who he is and what he wants, is always a catch.

7. He’s learned from his mistakes. As with any relationship that has failed, romantic or otherwise, lessons are always learned. A divorced guy who signed up for the long haul, but didn’t quite make it can probably stare his mistakes in the face and realize how not to make them again.

Takeaway? Don’t throw in the towel on a guy just because his past involves a divorce. Relationships start and end everyday, and if we didn’t give people a chance just because they have a breakup under their belt, then we’d totally miss out on the potential for something great.

 

 

 

 

6 easy ways to feel more energized

January 19, 2014

Power up your mind—and body—with these easy tips.

By Mihran Kalaydjian, CHA
 
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Sure, it’s the New Year, so you want to have that get up and go sensation. But between frigid temperatures, early sunsets and most likely, a sugar  and carb-filled holiday, that’s not as easy as it sounds. Frank Lipman, MD, an integrative and functional medicine physician and founder of Eleven Eleven Wellness Center in New York City, shares a few basic tips to incorporate into your daily routine to feel like a whole new you.

1. Eat a power breakfast. 

”In the morning, protein and fat are essential for energy, and a large, healthy breakfast of the right foods is exactly what your body needs,” explains Dr. Lipman. Instead of heavy grains, bread or pastries, try a morning smoothie with whey or pea protein. “It’s the perfect breakfast because it’s quick to prepare, easily digested and can be packed with the healthy fats, proteins, nutrients and phytonutrients you need to fuel your day,” he says. At home, create his DIY protein-based smoothies—Green Mojito and Blueberry Avocado are whey based, while Coconut Bliss and Chocolate Love have pea protein instead. Click here for the complete recipes.

2. Drink water. “Feeling tired is often a sign of dehydration,” explains Dr. Lipman. “Sometimes when we think we need a sugar rush or caffeine fix, our body is really asking for its most simple form of liquid nourishment—water.” Be sure to have a bottle filled with H20 with you at all times to hydrate throughout the day. “If you really want to take it to the next level, squeeze in some lemon,” says Dr. Lipman. “This will help your digestion, and a strong digestive system is key to keeping energy levels high.”

3. Eat (or drink!) your greens. “Dark leafy greens are one of the most energizing foods available—they’re full of vitmains, minerals and antioxidants,” says Dr. Lipman. For even quicker absorption and to get the benefits of a variety of nutrients, try a green smoothie that contains options such as kale, spinach, romaine, and celery (plus some lemon or ginger for flavor and even more energizing properties).

4. Turn up the music. Sound is one of the most unused ways to alter your mood. “To raise your energy level quickly, put on a song you love and if you can take a dance break, even better,” explains Dr. Lipman.”That’s because our brain’s pleasure centers are activated when we hear music.”

5. Detox your adrenals. 
”Adaptogens are a unique group of herbal ingredients used to improve the health of your adrenal system, the system that’s in charge of managing your body’s hormonal response to stress,” says Dr. Lipman. “They help enhance its ability to cope with anxiety and fight fatigue—slowly and gently, without jolts or crashes.” And they get their name because of their role in your overall health: “Adaptogens have a unique ability to adapt their function according to your body’s specific needs,” he says. “Though the effects may initially be subtle and take time to make themselves felt, they’re real and undeniable.” Try a daily supplement such as Metagenics Adreset, $34.50 for 30, metagenics.com.

6. Relax to totally recharge. Although you have heard the meditation and yoga connection to feel more relaxed a million times, it’s surprisingly also a method that can increase energy, too. “Restorative yoga is my favorite night-time cure for a high-stress day,” says Dr. Lipman. “As you’ll be supported in these poses, for instance, by a chair or a wall, you’ll enjoy the healing and calming effects of yoga without having to exert any energy so you actually retain energy in the process, too.” His go-to movements: B.K.S Iyengar’s Reclining Belt Pose. “It’s the best ‘chill pill’ that I have experienced—ten-to-fifteen minutes in this pose works wonders, and gently preparing the body for sleep,” he says. Another simple power-down pose to try: Legs up the Wall. “It feels so good after a day on your feet to just lie on your back with your legs perpendicular against the wall, close your eyes and breathe for five-to-ten minutes,” he says. Then once you recharge, you’ll be ready to take on the world yet again. Click here to see a step-by-step for these poses plus other energizing yoga moves.